The Rock Weeps

I am an insular person by nature, untrusting and suspicious. I am uncomfortable around people and I do not easily let them into my life. I much prefer being the consular than the consulee, though I have done my share of both. The problem with this is that at the same time that I am so cautious about letting people really know me I deeply desire to be known and understood. This often comes out in odd ways, off-hand comments, questions that are simple yet complex, awkward attempts at building friendships that most often end in confusion for all involved and frustration for me. I think that I feel much more free writing here and opening myself, such as I am at any rate, because the internet is relatively anonymous. I will probably never know who has read this and will certainly never see most peoples reaction to these words. My inmost nature is surrounded by successively higher walls of cynicism, sarcasm, morbidity (though some of that is an expression rather than a defense), and intellectual elitism. I do all that I can to hide myself, and I often do it without even trying. That being said...I constantly try to bring down these barriers, usually unsuccessfully, and always seek for people who are willing to do the work it takes to climb over, push through, and break down my many walls. This poem is an expression of both that insular nature and the desire to be known.

I stand unreached
And yet refuse to move
I am the rock

There is naught
That may touch me
Through armor wrought of stone

I guard the borders
Of my small state
Refusing entry to all

For I have no need
Of friendship's grace
Nor love's bittersweet rewards

I am alone
I stand unto myself
Longing for compassion's touch